And you wonder why I love you!
by Cats070911
Summary: Tommy's jealousy about Barbara's date leads him down a dark path, until there's a knock at his door.


**Author's note:** all usual disclaimers apply.

* * *

"Night Sir, I'm off."

Detective Inspector Tommy Lynley glanced up from his computer. The clock on the wall beside he office door told him it was nearly six o'clock. "Ah Barbara, if you wait five minutes we could go for a drink."

"Sorry Sir, I have plans."

Tommy's manners prevented him from showing his surprise. "Right. Well, have an enjoyable evening Sergeant."

"Should do Sir. Dinner and a show. Catch you tomorrow."

"Yes, goodnight Havers." Tommy turned back to his screen. It was ridiculous for him to feel disquieted but he did. He tried to analyse if he was jealous of her having a social life when he was lonely or if he was envious of the man taking her out. What worried him most was that he felt possessive of Barbara. He had resented, and actively tried to thwart, her attempts at dating when she had signed up with that ludicrous dating agency. He had tried to rationalise it at the time as him trying to protect her but she had a right to seek happiness.

He disgusted himself. He did not want to be cut out of her life or have her love someone else more than she loved him. In the past, he had never been brave enough to fulfil her emotional, and probably physical, needs. To step over that line meant commitment. Barbara was not someone he could ever leave. So he had selfishly expected her to remain emotionally his yet have no issue with him seeking solace with other women. He always drifted faithfully back to Barbara. She was his anchor. She was the person he needed most in this world. He hated that he was a hypocrite and not the honourable man he purported to be. What was worse was that he knew he loved her, he just could not tell her. He had stopped dating other women but he had never taken the step of asking her out, although he had wanted to do so. Now some upstart was courting her. This was her second date in a week. He slammed his fist on his desk.

* * *

His bottle of Lagavulin drained too quickly. Tommy was unpleasantly intoxicated. He was not sufficiently drunk to pass out but too far gone to have lost his pain. His thoughts and memories taunted him. He could keep drinking, seeking that respite in drunken sleep or he could stop. He put his glass down and closed his eyes. Eventually, he nodded off in his chair into a dreamworld filled with all the intense moments they had shared. In his dream, he could sweep her into his arms and they would both be safe.

He woke with a fright as his doorbell rang repeatedly. He stood up quickly and swayed. He took a moment to gather his thoughts and his balance. "Coming," he yelled towards his door.

He opened it to see Barbara looking frightened and dishevelled. "Barbara!"

"You're drunk! I should have known I couldn't count on you!" She turned and walked down the steps.

"Wait! Stay! I'm not _very_ drunk."

She turned and ran back into his arms. He held her tightly. She was trembling just as she had that afternoon when she had wanted to kill that foolish policeman. When he felt her relax slightly he guided her into his house and shut the door. She still clung to his shirt front. Slowly he edged her into his study. He tried to take her coat. "No!"

It was then Tommy noticed the bruises around her neck. Adrenaline surged through him sobering him instantly. "What happened Barbara?" he asked gently fearing the worst. A murderous rage started to build in his gut but he knew he had to be calm and strong for her.

"He…he attacked me, Sir. He...he...he tried to strangle me. He tore my shirt."

"Did he...?"

"No! No, I got away."

Lynley closed his eyes in silent thanks. The thought of some man violating Barbara was too much. "It's okay Barbara. I'm here."

"I...I just needed somewhere safe."

Tommy guided her gently onto his couch. "You're safe now. You're with me. I won't let anyone harm you."

"I'm sorry."

"Why? You've done nothing wrong, Barbara. You're not to blame."

"I couldn't go home. I needed...you."

Tommy cradled her in his arms. "I'm glad. I need you too. We need each other."

"Eh?"

"You and I, we need each other. Now do you want to go to the station or will I ask Stuart to come here?"

"I'm not dead! We don't need Stuart. I wasn't hurt Sir, not like that. I don't want to report it."

"Barbara, I know this has been a shock but you must report it. He might do this again to someone else. He might escalate to a more violent crime. Please, Barbara."

She nodded then began to cry, wracking sobs that tore at his heart. He held her closely and did not try to stop her. It was cathartic and deep. He suspected a lot more than just the attack was being released.

Three hours later they returned from the station. Tommy had been shocked by the extent of the angry, purple bruising on her neck. She had been luckier than she knew. The man she had dated was wanted for three other attacks. The last one had left the woman in a coma.

"Can I get you a drink? Or would you like to take a shower? Or take the tablets the doctor recommended and try to sleep?"

"A shower but I don't have any clothes."

"I'll find something. Will my bathroom be okay?" She nodded. He found her one of his tee-shirts, a pair of sleep pants, a fresh towel and new cake of soap. "You might have to roll the legs up. There's a robe behind the door." Call me when you finish."

"Don't go! Don't leave me."

"Barbara I can't stay while you shower."

"Why not?"

"I'll be right outside the door."

"Please, Sir. Just close your eyes or something. I need to be able to see you."

He nodded. She sounded so lost and frightened that he embraced her again. "I won't look."

"Nothing interesting to see anyway. One look and you'd turn away."

"Don't do that Barbara. You shouldn't put yourself down." Tommy did not think it was appropriate to add that he had not wanted to stay because he did not trust himself not to look. He had often fantasised about the shape and texture of her body.

"Sorry. I just need to know you're there."

"Always. Now shower. I'll sit over here." Tommy sat on the toilet and looked away. He could hear the rustling of her clothes. When she entered his shower he dared a quick glance. Her body was much curvier and sexier than he had imagined. He looked away, ashamed of himself. It gave him odd comfort to know that he was attracted to her physically. When she was better he would ask her out.

"You have a great shower," she called out.

"Thanks." He watched her silhouette through the frosted glass.

After a few minutes, the water stopped running. Tommy closed his eyes and leant his elbows on his knees and hid his face in his hands. There was no way he was going to risk another glance.

"That feels better," she said. He could hear her rubbing herself dry then rummaging through his clothes. "You can look now. I'm dressed."

Tommy looked up and smiled. His tee-shirt was tight across her chest but hung loosely down to her hips. She had rolled up the legs of his pants six or seven times. She looked innocent and cute and he wanted to make love to her more than he could remember wanting any other woman. He took a deep breath. "Fancy that drink now?"

"Yeah but I'd like to lie down."

"Of course. Take my bed, I'll stay downstairs."

Barbara grabbed his arm and dug her fingers into his flesh. "No! Please, Sir, I can't stay alone."

He nodded. "Will you be okay for two minutes while I go down and fetch the drinks?"

"Be quick."

Tommy raced down the stairs, gathered up two glasses and his decanter and scooted back upstairs. Barbara was pacing his room. "I'm back." The relief on his face made his heart break.

"Good. I'm sorry I'm so...fragile."

"Don't be. You've had a traumatic evening." He poured two drinks and handed her one. "Now into bed."

She obeyed and propped herself up on his pillows. He tucked his blankets around her and sat beside her. "Better?"

She drank her whiskey and tried to smile then shook her head. "Not really. My neck hurts."

"Wait there." Tommy went into his bathroom and returned with a tube of cream. "This'll help ease the bruising and the pain."

She nodded but did not take the tube. Tommy realised she expected him to apply it. He squeezed a generous amount onto his fingertips and lightly began to massage it into her inflamed skin. "Ow!"

He stopped immediately. "Sorry Barbara. I was trying to be gentle."

"You are. Don't stop."

Tommy delicately stroked her neck until all the cream was gone. He could feel the tension in her muscles so he then tentatively began to massage her shoulders. "Better?"

"Mmm. Will you get in and hold me?"

"Of course."

Tommy slipped off his shoes and socks and his good shirt. He debated about his trousers then removed them too. He pulled back the covers and slipped between the sheets dressed only in his underwear. He put his arms around Barbara. She was quivering. He gently pushed her head into his chest and held her tightly while he stroked her head until he felt her relax.

Holding her comforted him much more than he expected. He only wished he could do this when she was not scared and vulnerable. He wanted to kiss her but he was still enough of a gentleman never to take advantage.

"Thank you," she said softly, "I need this."

"Me too," he said. He continued to cuddle her long after she had fallen asleep.

When Tommy woke Barbara was sitting up in his bed. She was crying softly. He sat and pulled into his arms. "Cry as much as you need to, I'm here."

"I'm sorry Sir. I…it was a foolish idea coming here."

He held her away from him so he could look at her face. "Why? Where else would you go? I'm your partner Barbara, your friend."

"I know," she sobbed. "But I was trying to use you."

"How? By letting me help you? That's what friends do Barbara. They let their friend arrive on their doorstep in the middle of the night and they listen; they protect them from their demons. It's not as if you've never helped me now is it?"

"No, but I…I tried to use you."

"How?"

"I wanted to seduce you. I thought you'd have sex with me and that'd I feel better. I thought that if I could feel wanted it wouldn't be so bad."

"Oh, Barbara!" Tommy ran his hand through his hair. How could he explain?"

"See."

"I would _never_ take advantage of you Barbara. You were attacked. You're upset. Did you really think I'd be that shallow?"

"Yes…no, I don't suppose so. I just…"

Tommy stroked her face with his thumb. "I understand, I really do. But meaningless sex rarely makes you feel better. I have enough experience to know that for a fact."

"Yeah, true."

He tried not to feel offended. He took a deep breath and tried to craft his words. "I wanted to take care of you. To make you feel loved. I didn't want you to feel I would ever take advantage of you."

"Yeah, I know. It worked. I did feel loved that's why I felt guilty. I know I'm like a little sister to you."

"Once maybe; not anymore."

She looked at him with genuine fear in her eyes. "Because of tonight?"

He understood the devastation in her eyes. He had to tell her. "No, because...I'm in love with you."

She looked at him in total confusion. "What?"

"I've fallen in love with you. Nothing would give me greater joy than to make love to you Barbara but not when you only want to feel physically close. I need you to want me as much as I want you but for who we are, what we share, how we want to spend our futures, not because we have a compatible set of genitalia!"

"You love me?"

"Of course, I do. I have done for a long time, Barbara. I thought you might have noticed I haven't been with a woman since Julia. I've been trying for months to summons the courage to ask you out but I thought you might laugh at me. It sounds old-fashioned but I wanted to court you, let what we have develop at its own pace."

Barbara seemed angry. "Then why didn't you stop me going tonight?"

"Because I'm a selfish fool. I never stopped to ask myself if you might love me. I assumed if you did then you wouldn't date anyone. I was as jealous as hell tonight but no matter how childish I can be I'd never stop you trying to be happy."

"I do love you! I've loved you through everything. I can't find happiness with anyone else because they'll never be you."

Tommy grinned broadly. "You do?"

She smiled shyly. "Yes, now aren't you supposed to kiss me or something?"

Lynley leant over and kissed her softly. All the ravages of the world disappeared. They had crossed that line he had been so scared about and the other side was wonderful. He wanted everything to be perfect for her. Tonight was not the right time. "The 'or something' can wait until the time is right. Tonight I could have lost you. I just want to hold you and love you knowing you love me too."

She gave him a quick but loving kiss then nestled down into his arms. "And you wonder why I love you?"


End file.
